Why Setting Boundaries Is So Difficult?

I was recently preparing a lecture on the topic of Boundaries that I intended on giving to families struggling with chemically dependency issues. Part of our work as therapists and counselors is educating the community on issues that lead to people struggling emotionally. As I was gathering information on the topic from famous psychology resources, I came across something that reminded me why setting boundaries is often so difficult.

Setting boundaries can be very hard, yet it is often talked about amongst self-help groups, therapists, treatment centers, and friends as just — something you do. Despite our friends’ best intended encouragement when they tell us, “You just need to set better boundaries”, the implications for setting healthy boundaries are more monumental — so we often avoid the issue altogether. As I was reading through the list of step-by-step instructions for setting boundaries that included all of the necessary information such as: Making sure you have all the facts, setting realistic goals, speaking up without excuses, etc., I noticed a tiny disclaimer at the bottom of the step-by-step list that was so hidden away, it was barely legible.

In italicized letters and under the headline of “Tips & Warnings”, it said: “This will not be easy, and you may lose family members along the way”.

And so, I was reminded again that learning “how” to do something often butts up against the painful realities of actually doing it. I thought about how this little disclaimer at the bottom of the page needed to be more fairly given its proper importance due to the severity of its contribution. Losing family members is no small thing and intuitively people know this is a risk, which is why it can be so challenging to set healthy boundaries.

Sadly, people often feel discouraged, incapable, and destitute when they earnestly try to implement healthy boundaries with family members only to find themselves falling back on the boundaries they tried to imposed, or never imposing them at all. If you have felt this way, you are not alone. After all, losing family members (even the ones who have caused a lot of pain) we are attached with can be terrifying.

Setting boundaries can be scary — which is why we need more than ever the support and encouragement from a trusted professional as we attempt to get strong and set limits with our loved ones. Please do not try to set boundaries with family members by yourself. Ask for help — you will need others to fall back on in case (when) things do not go well the first, or several go-arounds. My hope is that you will keep trying and keep pushing ahead with attempting to set healthy limits and boundaries, and at the same time acknowledging and processing (in relationships with others) how frightening it can be to draw a line in the sand (and mean it) and give the most loved people in your lives an ultimatum that can drastically alter your relationship.

If something is happening in your life and you feel like you need to set important boundaries, please don’t hesitate to make an appointment with one of our counselors who are experts in the process. We can help!